Minutes of a bad date

What was I thinking? What was in the drinks in the house where I was introduced to him? I’m hungry, is he ever going to stop talking long enough to let the waiter get a word in edgewise? Why did I cancel the party I was invited to?

Is he just nervous? How much time should I give him before judging? Am I intimidating? It’s not my fault he didn’t get my joke. He’s English, how can he not get a joke? Is that racist?

Is he going to eat that? Can I have it? Should I have another drink? No? Yes? No? No.

How much can you talk about banking? I already know all this – I’ve had two banks as clients. Come to think of it, he’s exactly like all of them. Is he in marketing then? Oh no, really? I never go out with people from marketing, it’s too much like work. I thought he was in finance. There definitely must have been something in the drinks in that house. And how awful were the rest of the people there that I thought he was interesting?

Is he really not going to eat that? Oh screw it, I’m taking it anyway. Can we have some more food here? Should I have dessert? Oh wait, am I on a diet? I can’t remember – I feel like I’ve been sitting here with a smile fixed on my face since the beginning of time. Is he the president of America that he needs to check his phone all the time? At least it’s a Nokia Lumia. Should I ask him why he chose a... oooh look at those shoes. Did she get them here? Nice tattoo too. Should I get one? How painful is it? Is it like threading? That really hurts. Actually, is she a girl at all? Doesn’t he even want to discuss the hot girl in the corner? Why is he taking about how many houses he has? Maybe he is nervous.

How soon can I leave without hurting his feelings? Do I care about his feelings when I might kill him soon just to relieve the boredom? It reminds me of watching One Day and being so happy when she got hit by a bus. Oh God, he’s talking about “next time”. Well it’s a welcome change from how successful and well-travelled he is, but really – next time? Without making me laugh once? Oh don’t look vulnerable. Stop that, why should I care if you’re insecure? Don’t feel sorry for him, please don’t do anything stupi – fine, call me, I may be free. Thank you. Sure, I had a great time too.

I told you not to have that drink. I told you so.

Sigh. This is not who I wanted to be having dinner with on a relaxed Friday evening.